Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
