Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
