I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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