Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
