Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
