Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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