You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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