um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul