my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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