Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
