Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
