I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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