Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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