the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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