do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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