Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
