a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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