captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
