I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I wear drunk well.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
