Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Swine flu is the new snow day.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
