see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
