yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
