The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
