i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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