Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
