and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
