I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
