Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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