i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
