Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
