If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
