Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
