My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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