"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
