Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
