her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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