her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
