so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
