In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
