ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
