I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
