You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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