I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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