So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
