i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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