i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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