I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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