I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
