R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i've created a new STD.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
