Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
