just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just invented taco cereal.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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