I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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