Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
