You smell like stripper and shame
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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