We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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