I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
