burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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