Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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