I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
false alarm, still single
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