Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
