Only a mothe r could love this liver
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
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as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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