Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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