Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
